Argus Hamilton

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© Copyright 2006

Special Collection:
Dick Cheney Hunting Jokes

Argus Hamilton

3-30-06

Los Angeles Hispanics marched in protest Sunday where they waved the Mexican national flag. That turned many people off. The flag's colors are so bright that most Americans would only wear them on a hunting expedition with the vice president.

3-26-06

Dick Cheney, it was learned Friday, demands that his hotel suite television sets be tuned to Fox News before he enters the suite. It saves lives. Any other newscast might cause him to shoot at the television set and hit the room service waiter.

3-23-06

Dick Cheney flew to Illinois Tuesday to talk to the airmen stationed at Scott Air Force Base. This base is famous for its gunnery school. The vice president was there to learn how to shoot a bird out of the sky without hitting your lawyer.

3-21-06

Dick Cheney granted a wide-ranging interview to CBS News anchor Bob Schieffer on Face the Nation Sunday. Security was very tight at the studio. Bob Schieffer is a Texan in his seventies and he looks even more like a bird than the last guy did.

3-20-06

Colin Powell's former chief of staff Lawrence Wilkerson accused Dick Cheney Friday of cherry-picking intelligence to justify the Iraq war. This breaks no rules. It's perfectly legal to blast away at Dick Cheney, if you believe turnabout is fair play.

3-17-06

The White House was swirling in rumors of staff changes Wednesday in the wake of continued low poll numbers. The whole administration is looking confused and flabby. There was a time in this nation's history when vice presidents shot to kill.

3-10-06

Republican House leaders attempted to kill the Dubai Ports World deal Monday, saying they won't hand a security issue to Democrats. The White House must be furious. Dick Cheney just invited House Speaker Denny Hastert to go hunting with him.

3-6-06

Dick Cheney spoke at a finance conference Thursday where he urged Americans to save more money. He's hit the banquet circuit. Next week the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals will give him their highest award for his marksmanship.

3-5-06

Dick Cheney got bad news Wednesday when the CBS News poll came out showing that the vice president's approval rating has sunk to eighteen percent. There's a way out of anything. To get his numbers up, he just invited President Bush to go hunting.

3-2-06

Dick Cheney emerged from hiding Monday to speak at a fundraiser. He attacked Iraq instead of Iran, then he shot a lawyer instead of a bird. It's comforting to know in these troubled times that Don Knotts might be gone but Barney Fife lives on.

3-1-06

Dick Cheney went to Virginia Monday to speak at a Republican fundraiser. The crowd was very subdued. The advertised pitch that anyone who gives ten thousand dollars will get to go hunting with the vice president is only drawing depressives.

2-26-06

The Houston Chronicle obtained witness statements from the Dick Cheney hunting accident. There's a question as to whether the bird was behind him or to the right side. From the way it sounds, the quail was behind him but the Old Crow was right at his side.

2-23-06

President Bush called the Emirates our partners who can be trusted to run the ports. What a politician. When you remember that Dick Cheney faced an attempted murder rap only a week ago, you have to give President Bush credit for changing the subject.

2-22-06

The White House announced Monday it will turn over six U.S. ports to the United Arab Emirates. Last week, Dick Cheney shot his hunting partner in the face. Today will go down in history as the day comedians officially stopped missing Bill Clinton.

Germany attempted to avoid an outbreak of bird flu on Monday by ordering the slaughter of thousands of migratory birds now flying over Central Europe. You can tell they are not too serious about it. They contracted the job to Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney's job approval rating fell to twenty-nine percent in polls released Monday. However, President Bush stated categorically he's standing behind the vice president. If he's standing anywhere else the Secret Service makes him move.

2-21-06

The Palestinian Parliament was sworn in Saturday in the West Bank. Thousands celebrated by firing their rifles into the air, filling the sky with smoke and lead. Palestinians took like ducks to water to the new Vice President's Day weekend.

Dick Cheney talked to Brit Hume on Wednesday and blamed his near-crucifixion last week on the media elite. The vice president thinks of the Washington press corps as family. He's always telling the Secret Service to get rid of those mothers.

2-20-06

Bobby Knight stars in a new reality show called Knight School that premiered Sunday. The coach was cited six years ago when he accidentally shot his hunting pal. So the foreign policy wasn't the only thing Dick Cheney stole from Bobby Knight.

The Los Angeles Open was marred by bad weather at Riviera Country Club this week. They almost canceled the celebrity pro-am. No movie stars would show up until they were assured that Dick Cheney would not be involved in the shotgun start.

Dick Cheney spoke to the Wyoming legislature in Cheyenne Friday and received a standing ovation. They love to hunt up there and they all work in the gas and oil business. Dick Cheney always likes to practice his speeches in front of a mirror.

Texas attorney Harry Whittington addressed reporters on Friday following his shooting by Dick Cheney. He shrugged off the vice president's wild shot with no hard feelings. If Iraq had been this gracious we would be well into Iran by now.

Harry Whittington apologized to Dick Cheney Friday for all the trouble their hunting accident caused. He's brainwashed. The Sovietization of America is well underway when citizens are apologizing for getting in the way of government bullets.

2-19-06

The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show had an unexpected ending Wednesday when champion hound Vivi disappeared at Kennedy Airport. The dog is a whippet. They are the world's fastest hunters, if you don't count Dick Cheney running from the cops.

Dick Cheney on Wednesday explained his decision to delay telling police about his hunting accident in Texas. He said the reason he didn't report the shooting right away was that he wanted to get the facts straight. That's never stopped him before.

President Bush said Thursday he thought Dick Cheney's handling of the hunting accident was fine. He was smooth. Police took the vice president's word over the phone that no alcohol was involved and that oil company profits are not exorbitant.

Texas authorities closed the case of Dick Cheney's accidental shooting on Thursday. It is really hard to get in trouble in Texas. Any state that lets you drink beer in the car and carry a concealed handgun seems more than willing to meet you halfway.

2-17-06

The San Antonio Stock Show and Rodeo named a ferocious wild bull after coach Bobby Knight Tuesday. There's no such thing as bad publicity. That night Bobby Knight was asked by the White House to take the job as Dick Cheney's yoga instructor.

Dick Cheney appeared on Capitol Hill Monday only two days after his hunting accident in Texas. The vice president shot a seventy-eight-year-old man. Don't say the Republicans aren't doing everything they can to make Social Security solvent.

Dick Cheney gave an interview on Wednesday in which he explained his hunting accident in some detail. He still didn't explain why it was two days before he briefed President Bush on what happened. You would have thought it was a hurricane.

Texas sheriff Ramon Salinas said Wednesday he was assured by Dick Cheney the shooting was an accident. No alcohol tests were given. The Las Vegas Hilton just gave five-to-two odds that the next U.S. ambassador to Great Britain will be Ramon Salinas.

Hillary Clinton slammed Dick Cheney Wednesday for not being more forthcoming about his hunting accident on Saturday. This is her area of expertise. Whenever an administration gets in trouble over spray patterns, she's on camera the next day.

2-16-06

President Bush and Laura hosted a Valentine's Day banquet Tuesday. The White House said friends and associates were invited but the press was barred and the guest list not made public. In case Cupid shot anybody, they wanted to keep it quiet.

New York City was buried underneath a record heavy snow storm Sunday. It was in line with the forecast. The almanac says that if the vice president comes out from his hole and shoots a lawyer in the face, it means six more weeks of winter.

Dick Cheney remained out of sight Tuesday amid the media frenzy following his hunting accident in Texas Saturday. That day may have been the longest afternoon in the vice president's life. Every ten minutes, it was shoot the quail, drag Harry.

The White House dodged questions Tuesday about Dick Cheney's hunting accident victim. This wasn't new. The last time Dick Cheney misfired, doctors in Pakistan spent three months trying to pull a Predator drone missile out of a bystander's ear.

Dick Cheney's shooting victim Harry Whittington worsened Monday after a pellet lodged near his heart. The Texas lawyer is being attended both by local doctors and White House physicians. The White House physicians are there to sew up his lips.

2-15-06

Animal Planet aired a special on Sunday about mankind's evolving capacity to learn new things. We're constantly improving. This week we learned there's a right time and there's a wrong time to ask the vice president if he enjoyed Brokeback Mountain.

Howard Dean asked for Dick Cheney's resignation Monday for leaking classified information for political purposes. That has no support. Democrats are willing to give Dick Cheney the benefit of the doubt as long as he only shoots Republicans.

Dick Cheney was quail hunting Saturday when he fired his shotgun and wounded a Texas attorney. It was a pre-emptive attack. The lawyer was pulling a pinch of snuff out of his pocket and the vice president thought it was yellowcake uranium.

The White House was pummeled by questions Monday about Dick Cheney's hunting accident. The administration responded directly. The White House said that when the vice president fired he was acting upon the best intelligence available at the time.

Austin lawyer Harry Whittington laughed off getting shot by Dick Cheney from his hospital bed Monday. It's a win-win for both sides. The lawyer is now famous and Halliburton got a huge reconstruction contract to put his chest back together.

2-14-06

Valentine's Day, it was reported Sunday, gave a boost to the economy. Americans spent an average of a hundred dollars apiece for a gift. Everybody hopes Lynne Cheney got a set of bright orange pajamas to help get her through quail season alive.

Dick Cheney was quail hunting with a Texas lawyer Saturday when he fired his shotgun and accidentally filled him with bird shot. It gets worse. They gave the lawyer a glass of water at the hospital and he's now being investigated for leaking.

Texas attorney Harry Whittington was accidentally shot in the face and chest by Dick Cheney during a quail hunt. Thank God the vice president didn't serve in Vietnam. Who knows how many American lives were saved by those student deferments.

© Copyright 2006 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved. 

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