Argus Hamilton

© Copyright 2003

Friday, September 12, 2003 

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?

The White House asked Congress for $87 billion this week to rebuild post-war Iraq. This whole operation was the work of Bush, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Myers and Cheney. Iraq is what happens when five straight guys come in to give you a makeover.

Dan Quayle appeared at Statuary Hall in Congress Wednesday for the unveiling of his vice presidential bust. His unintentional goof-ups were legendary. Now we know why former President Bush always said Dan Quayle was just like a son to him.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il threatened Wednesday to go to war with the United States if the U.S. doesn't agree to sign a non-aggression pact. He really laid down the law. Dictators always look unbeatable until the last fifteen minutes.

Osama bin Laden released a new videotape Wednesday, shot from his hiding place in Afghanistan, in which he threatened war against the West. There's no question it was him. He had a beard, he had a limp, and he had a California driver's license.

Gray Davis will appear with Bill Clinton at a Los Angeles black church Sunday. It's sacrilegious. If Gray Davis is going to try to clap on two-four to gospel music in public, he should do it at the Comedy Store where people can laugh openly.

Arnold Schwarzenegger summoned his campaign advisors to San Jose Wednesday for an education summit. He told reporters he would like California kids to aim higher. Warning shots are considered good sportsmanship back in his native Austria.

President Bush told a Florida elementary school Tuesday that the White House is going to set up a No Child Left Behind web site. That's the good news. The bad news is the Boston Archdiocese has just offered $85 million for the mailing list.

The Santa Cruz City Council impeached President Bush Tuesday. The California town says he went to war under false pretenses. Leave it to the land of breast implants, false eyelashes and dyed hair to criticize somebody for being inauthentic.

President Bush waved an olive branch to France and Germany Wednesday, saying he's open to suggestions about Iraq. He had better watch his step. If President Bush wins the Nobel Peace Prize he will never be able to face his friends in Texas.

Don Rumsfeld was interrupted during a speech Wednesday at the National Press Club. A group of women screamed at him from the balcony. There's no way to know if they were upset about the war or just reacting naturally to the Sexiest Man Alive.

Don Rumsfeld drew gasps Wednesday when he was asked his opinion of embedded journalists and he said she was terrific. You don't kid about sex in this administration. President Bush believes that sex is a sacred act between an oil derrick and a wildlife preserve.

Howard Dean was ripped by pro-Israel congressmen Wednesday for his statement that it was wrong to take sides in the Mideast. He's a fellow Anglican. Until Howard Dean went to medical school he thought High Cholesterol was a Jewish holiday.

The Washington Post said Thursday Howard Dean asked retired NATO General Wes Clark to be his 2004 running mate. They are old chums. And if that fin sticking out of the water just off Long Island is Hillary Clinton, they could all be chum.

© Copyright 2003 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved. 

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